Revelation

Nearly 13 years ago, my husband walked out and 6 months ago, my long-time boyfriend "moved on". I didn't think the 2 men had much in common but, as it turns out, they've both shown their "dark sides" since leaving and shown themselves to not be very honest.

Looking at the 2 relationships and their failure, I have taken on much of the blame for their failure. Everything is always my fault and so, it follows that the demise of my 2 most important relationships are also my fault.

In the months since the second break up, the thought keeps running through my head that you get back what you "put out there". So, I've been thinking a lot about that. It actually bothered me a lot because I'm a very honest person; what you see is pretty much what you get. I'm not a good liar and I try not to associate with liars. It just complicates things so much. Like I tell my daughters all the time, it's much easier to just tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what story you've told people; you've simply told them the truth.

So, I kept asking myself, "Why do I keep entering into relationships with liars?" If it's true that you get back what you put out there, I should be able to find a guy like me. Honest.

Suddenly, the other day it came to me. It's not that I'm putting out there that I'm a liar and so I should attact liars, it's that I'm putting out there that good things don't happen to me and therefore, the guys I attract are going to hurt me. Simply, it's what I expect to happen and so it does.

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop; always waiting for the bad to happen cause my thinking is that I don't deserve good things in my life. And, suddenly, it occurred to me that there's no reason why I don't deserve good. I'm a good person, I deserve to be happy.

I'm not looking for a new relationship. Fact is, I think I might be quite happy by myself. I'm too weary to start over again. However, one never knows what's around the next corner and so, should a relationship begin, I'm promising myself that I won't be looking for the other shoe to drop. I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride knowing that I deserve someone like myself. I try really hard not to hurt people and so I deserve to not be hurt. I sabotaged my past relationships and I'm determined not to do it again.

Took me 50 years to realize that, as the women in the L'Oreal commercials used to say, "I'm worth it." Feels kinda good...