A Year of Loss

I cannot believe it's been over a decade since I last blogged! Time to dust it off and try for more frequent posts. 2024 has been a year of loss; a pup, a best friend, a mom and a job. It's been a year of reflection and figuring out "where to go from here". First, I made the extraordinarily hard decision to re-home our precious Penny. It was the single hardest decision of my life. Yes, other events in my life have been painful but those times decisions were made "for" me and i just had to carry on. This time, the decision was all mine and it was excruiciatingly painful. I knew, for various reasons, it had to be done but then I'd look at her innocent, trusting face and feel terrible. After all, she had done nothing wrong. Thanksfully, with the help of good friends, I was able to find a perfect new home for Penny. Dropping her off was no picnic. She cried and cried and tried so hard to come with us. It was absolutely heartbreaking for both Megan and me. But, in a very short time, she adjusted to her new home and new "mama". If you know me, you know I'm always looking for the silver lining in a less-than-good situation. The silver lining is we still get to see her often and even get to "Penny-sit" from time to time. As my neighbor told me the night before Penny left us "Penny has just expanded her family and those who love her". How comforting those words were and how true they turned out to be. My mom passed away this year after wishing for it to happen for no less than a decade. So, at the time of her passing, I was comforted to know she had finally gotten her wish. Mom and I never had a close, easy relationship so I've been surprised by my emotions since she's gone. Friends who had lost their mothers would tell me I'll miss mom's calls and texts and time spent together. Knowing our relationship, I wondered if I would feel those feelings. I've found that in the day-to-day, I haven't missed the calls, texts or her presence which was "Debbie Downer" at best. But what has surprised me is the "hole" I feel knowing the one person who was there my whole life is no longer there. It just washes over me sometimes and makes me melancholy. The silver lining to her passing is I don't have regrets about our relationship. I know I did my best and so did she. If we didn't always agree or get along, it didn't make us bad people; just very different people. I lost my job. It had never happened to me before and it was shocking and scary. What will I do now? Who will hire an older candidate? How will I provide? All these things were running through my mind as HR gave me my "walking papers". I'm still unemployed and trying to figure out what I want to be "when I grow up". HA! But, aside from missing my co-workers, the silver lining is my company forced my hand and now I no longer work for a company whose values don't align with my own. I'm praying 2025 brings the perfect job opportunity. What does one say or do when one loses a friend? It hurts. Her advice and perspective would have been very welcome during this year's losses. It's caused me to reflect on me and, hopefully, has made me a better, strong person for that reflection. It is hard for me to find the silver lining in this one but I suppose that if I am a better, stronger person, that is the silver lining. Looking toward 2025 feeling very reflective and with the hope that the year will be much more stress-free. I wish the same for all of you.

Flukes

"A fluke of nature". I heard that phrase 23 years ago when Megan was born. I've always thought of a "fluke" as something unexplainable; something at least a little unappealing. More recently, I saw the word used this way; "...a day of terrible seizures. Fingers crossed that tomorrow is better and it is just a fluke and not a trend." Certainly, this was an example of an unappealing event. While playing FreeRice a week or so ago, I was to find the best meaning for "fluke" from the 4 choices. Imagine my surprise when the answer was "good fortune"! That made me wonder and I looked for definitions and found that fluke means "accidentially successful", "stroke of luck" and the only slight reference to a possible unappealing definition was "unlikely chance or occurrence" but even that ended with "esp. a surprising piece of luck". Took me back 23 years when the doctors told me Megan's Down syndrome was simply a "fluke of nature". As I listened to a member of the Down syndrome support group tell me that I would need to call them cause I would lose friends cause of Megan's birth, I certainly wasn't thinking of my "fluke of nature" as good fortune. (23 years later I can say friends have come and gone but I can't attribute even one "lost" friend to Megan's birth. What in the world was that woman thinking to say such a thing? But, that's a whole different story!) Hmmmm...I can tell you that never once in the intervening years when relating to people about my "fluke of nature" did I perceive it as a "stroke of luck". Now though, I can't help but think of it from the "other" side and realize that Megan was, in fact and indeed, a "stroke of luck". Instead of causing me to lose friends, she's actually been the impetus behind some very good and dear friendships. I've commented numerous times over the years about that very fact. She tries very hard (and I resist way too much) to help me slow down and enjoy life more. I'm constantly trying to hurry her up when I really should just be enjoying her slower pace. What really makes me laugh, though, are the times she urges me to hurry up! She sees life so innocently and I really wish I could have that same innocence. I've said over the years that I want to be just like Megan "when I grow up". haha Believe me, I've strongly felt over the years that Megan's been a blessing in so many ways but it took a silly little word game for me to turn around a simple phrase into a positive and realize that all the good she's brought into my life started that very first day when I was told she was a "stroke of luck" from nature. Looking for the "silver lining" in situations has made many of my days less stress-ful. May it be the same for you!

One down...

Wow! Talk about time flying! Kyra came home this week after completing her freshman year of college! It truly seems like just last month, in a downpour, we moved her into her dorm room for the first time and now, again in falling rain, she’s moved out and home for the summer. She commented that the weather was appropriate both times. When she moved in, she was apprehensive about the new experience and sad to be leaving home for the first time. Tuesday, she was sad about leaving behind good friends and good memories from a year that couldn’t have been better for her. Sure, she had some bumps along the way but she handled them extremely well and brings with her mostly good memories of a year well spent learning so much about herself and growing into an even sweeter, faith-filled young woman than when she left. I really am in awe of her. She’s someone I aspire to be like. I don’t know where she came from. Haha And, of course, I want only the best for her. She found the perfect place when she chose Eastern. And, though I tease her everytime she’s home about transferring to Millersville, I know she belongs nowhere but Eastern. The experiences she’s had (and the ones to come in the next 3 years) and the friends she’s met (and will meet) could never be duplicated somewhere else. Thank you, God, for leading her to exactly where she needs to be. :)

Patience

It's a virtue, apparently. And, apparently, I'm completely without virtue. At least where patience is involved.

I don't mean to be impatient; it just seems to come naturally to me. And, it's definitely in my genes. My dad is one of the most impatient people on the planet but I'm not fond of blaming everything on my upbringing...though I do know that is HUGE in who we become...I believe it's our job to overcome the bad stuff in our backgrounds.

And, I try. I really do. But, every day I fail...and fail miserably. Especially when it comes to patience with Megan. I love that kid so much and marvel at her daily but she somehow manages to push every last ounce of patience right out of my being. She seemingly never stops talking! And, how ironic that when, for the first 5 or so years of her life she was largely unintelligible, I wished and prayed for her to be able to talk. Does that fall under that popular saying, "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it?" God does have a sense of humor, doesn't he?

Well, learn to talk she did and she's never stopped talking since. And, I like to talk, too so I know where she gets it...hearing her talk isn't even the problem. It's the constantly random thoughts she throws out there that drive me to distraction! She's not always easy to understand and so I try and try to figure out what she's talking about only to find it's something totally irrelevant. It's exhausting!

The other day, though, I had this thought as I was having this running monologue with God...I wondered...does He get tired of hearing me chattering away all day every day to him about the most mundane, sometimes random things I take to Him in prayer. I don't think he does and so, I must remember to be the kind of parent to Megan that He is to me and to be patient, Patient, PATIENT with her constant babble.

God give me the strenth! I do know, though, that if I can do it, it's only with His help. So...here's to patience!

And...to a stress-free day!

Next Week This Time

Sitting this evening watching a sappy Hallmark movie with my daughters, I took in the three of us watching the movie and realized that what I've been trying to deny for the last 2-1/2 months; perhaps more truthfully the last almost 18 years is really and truly going to happen next Saturday. My youngest will be moving into her college dorm room and away from home for the very first time.

This is, of course, what we've worked toward for 18 years and it's what she's "supposed" to be doing now and I'm excited and happy for her to be starting a new chapter in her life. But, just because it's what is "right" doesn't make it easy.

The house simply won't be the same without her in it on a daily basis. All the little things that are her will be missing and it will be only my oldest daughter and me living day to day.

Sure, we'll be connected through all the modern technology devices and I'm extremely grateful to be living now when you can text and email and Skype but there will still be so much missing. The snippets of her day that she'd share as she passed through a room will be gone and it makes me so sad to know that this is just the beginning of her leaving for good one day.

I will do my best to put on a brave face when we say goodbye next week before I leave without her in the car but my heart will be breaking even while I know she's where she's supposed to be doing exactly what she's supposed to be doing.

People share their parenting tips and tell you their labor and delivery horror stories but nobody tells you how hard it is to let go and let them fly with the wings we've nurtured from the time they were born. Good thing probably. We might all decide to be childless if we knew how much our hearts will break when we watch them fly.

Self Supporting 18 year olds

Here's my stress for today...who was the idiot who made the law that non-custodial parents only have to pay child support until the child turns 18 or graduates from high school? I'll bet it was a non-custodial parent who couldn't wait, like my ex, to stop paying for his or her child.

What 18 year old do you know who is completely self supporting and whose parents are not still supporting them in one way or another? Whether it's an actual roof over their head (in most cases at 18) or a college education, few 18 year olds don't need some kind of help from their parents.

And, if a parent would be helping to support said 18 year old if that parent were still living in the family home, why shouldn't they still support said 18 year old when they're off pursuing their wonderful, new life?

Don't even get me started on special needs kids. Their support ends at 21 and then, of course, they can completely make a living on their own and live in their own house without any further support from their parents. Really?

Add to it that my wonderful, looking-out-for-his-daughters'-welfare-ex is sitting on savings bonds that, stupidly were bought jointly in their names and his by their MATERNAL grandparents for their use, that he won't relinquish even though said children are now 18 and 22. But, he claims he's not trying to control any of us. Again, I say, Really?

There's something wrong with "the system" and it ain't fair. Now, I've always lived by the adage that "Life isn't fair, get used to it" but why should my daughters have to fight their own father for what is rightfully theirs? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

And...here's to a completely UN-stressful weekend to all of you!

Revelation

Nearly 13 years ago, my husband walked out and 6 months ago, my long-time boyfriend "moved on". I didn't think the 2 men had much in common but, as it turns out, they've both shown their "dark sides" since leaving and shown themselves to not be very honest.

Looking at the 2 relationships and their failure, I have taken on much of the blame for their failure. Everything is always my fault and so, it follows that the demise of my 2 most important relationships are also my fault.

In the months since the second break up, the thought keeps running through my head that you get back what you "put out there". So, I've been thinking a lot about that. It actually bothered me a lot because I'm a very honest person; what you see is pretty much what you get. I'm not a good liar and I try not to associate with liars. It just complicates things so much. Like I tell my daughters all the time, it's much easier to just tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what story you've told people; you've simply told them the truth.

So, I kept asking myself, "Why do I keep entering into relationships with liars?" If it's true that you get back what you put out there, I should be able to find a guy like me. Honest.

Suddenly, the other day it came to me. It's not that I'm putting out there that I'm a liar and so I should attact liars, it's that I'm putting out there that good things don't happen to me and therefore, the guys I attract are going to hurt me. Simply, it's what I expect to happen and so it does.

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop; always waiting for the bad to happen cause my thinking is that I don't deserve good things in my life. And, suddenly, it occurred to me that there's no reason why I don't deserve good. I'm a good person, I deserve to be happy.

I'm not looking for a new relationship. Fact is, I think I might be quite happy by myself. I'm too weary to start over again. However, one never knows what's around the next corner and so, should a relationship begin, I'm promising myself that I won't be looking for the other shoe to drop. I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride knowing that I deserve someone like myself. I try really hard not to hurt people and so I deserve to not be hurt. I sabotaged my past relationships and I'm determined not to do it again.

Took me 50 years to realize that, as the women in the L'Oreal commercials used to say, "I'm worth it." Feels kinda good...