Sitting this evening watching a sappy Hallmark movie with my daughters, I took in the three of us watching the movie and realized that what I've been trying to deny for the last 2-1/2 months; perhaps more truthfully the last almost 18 years is really and truly going to happen next Saturday. My youngest will be moving into her college dorm room and away from home for the very first time.
This is, of course, what we've worked toward for 18 years and it's what she's "supposed" to be doing now and I'm excited and happy for her to be starting a new chapter in her life. But, just because it's what is "right" doesn't make it easy.
The house simply won't be the same without her in it on a daily basis. All the little things that are her will be missing and it will be only my oldest daughter and me living day to day.
Sure, we'll be connected through all the modern technology devices and I'm extremely grateful to be living now when you can text and email and Skype but there will still be so much missing. The snippets of her day that she'd share as she passed through a room will be gone and it makes me so sad to know that this is just the beginning of her leaving for good one day.
I will do my best to put on a brave face when we say goodbye next week before I leave without her in the car but my heart will be breaking even while I know she's where she's supposed to be doing exactly what she's supposed to be doing.
People share their parenting tips and tell you their labor and delivery horror stories but nobody tells you how hard it is to let go and let them fly with the wings we've nurtured from the time they were born. Good thing probably. We might all decide to be childless if we knew how much our hearts will break when we watch them fly.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Self Supporting 18 year olds
Here's my stress for today...who was the idiot who made the law that non-custodial parents only have to pay child support until the child turns 18 or graduates from high school? I'll bet it was a non-custodial parent who couldn't wait, like my ex, to stop paying for his or her child.
What 18 year old do you know who is completely self supporting and whose parents are not still supporting them in one way or another? Whether it's an actual roof over their head (in most cases at 18) or a college education, few 18 year olds don't need some kind of help from their parents.
And, if a parent would be helping to support said 18 year old if that parent were still living in the family home, why shouldn't they still support said 18 year old when they're off pursuing their wonderful, new life?
Don't even get me started on special needs kids. Their support ends at 21 and then, of course, they can completely make a living on their own and live in their own house without any further support from their parents. Really?
Add to it that my wonderful, looking-out-for-his-daughters'-welfare-ex is sitting on savings bonds that, stupidly were bought jointly in their names and his by their MATERNAL grandparents for their use, that he won't relinquish even though said children are now 18 and 22. But, he claims he's not trying to control any of us. Again, I say, Really?
There's something wrong with "the system" and it ain't fair. Now, I've always lived by the adage that "Life isn't fair, get used to it" but why should my daughters have to fight their own father for what is rightfully theirs? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
And...here's to a completely UN-stressful weekend to all of you!
What 18 year old do you know who is completely self supporting and whose parents are not still supporting them in one way or another? Whether it's an actual roof over their head (in most cases at 18) or a college education, few 18 year olds don't need some kind of help from their parents.
And, if a parent would be helping to support said 18 year old if that parent were still living in the family home, why shouldn't they still support said 18 year old when they're off pursuing their wonderful, new life?
Don't even get me started on special needs kids. Their support ends at 21 and then, of course, they can completely make a living on their own and live in their own house without any further support from their parents. Really?
Add to it that my wonderful, looking-out-for-his-daughters'-welfare-ex is sitting on savings bonds that, stupidly were bought jointly in their names and his by their MATERNAL grandparents for their use, that he won't relinquish even though said children are now 18 and 22. But, he claims he's not trying to control any of us. Again, I say, Really?
There's something wrong with "the system" and it ain't fair. Now, I've always lived by the adage that "Life isn't fair, get used to it" but why should my daughters have to fight their own father for what is rightfully theirs? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
And...here's to a completely UN-stressful weekend to all of you!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Revelation
Nearly 13 years ago, my husband walked out and 6 months ago, my long-time boyfriend "moved on". I didn't think the 2 men had much in common but, as it turns out, they've both shown their "dark sides" since leaving and shown themselves to not be very honest.
Looking at the 2 relationships and their failure, I have taken on much of the blame for their failure. Everything is always my fault and so, it follows that the demise of my 2 most important relationships are also my fault.
In the months since the second break up, the thought keeps running through my head that you get back what you "put out there". So, I've been thinking a lot about that. It actually bothered me a lot because I'm a very honest person; what you see is pretty much what you get. I'm not a good liar and I try not to associate with liars. It just complicates things so much. Like I tell my daughters all the time, it's much easier to just tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what story you've told people; you've simply told them the truth.
So, I kept asking myself, "Why do I keep entering into relationships with liars?" If it's true that you get back what you put out there, I should be able to find a guy like me. Honest.
Suddenly, the other day it came to me. It's not that I'm putting out there that I'm a liar and so I should attact liars, it's that I'm putting out there that good things don't happen to me and therefore, the guys I attract are going to hurt me. Simply, it's what I expect to happen and so it does.
I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop; always waiting for the bad to happen cause my thinking is that I don't deserve good things in my life. And, suddenly, it occurred to me that there's no reason why I don't deserve good. I'm a good person, I deserve to be happy.
I'm not looking for a new relationship. Fact is, I think I might be quite happy by myself. I'm too weary to start over again. However, one never knows what's around the next corner and so, should a relationship begin, I'm promising myself that I won't be looking for the other shoe to drop. I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride knowing that I deserve someone like myself. I try really hard not to hurt people and so I deserve to not be hurt. I sabotaged my past relationships and I'm determined not to do it again.
Took me 50 years to realize that, as the women in the L'Oreal commercials used to say, "I'm worth it." Feels kinda good...
Looking at the 2 relationships and their failure, I have taken on much of the blame for their failure. Everything is always my fault and so, it follows that the demise of my 2 most important relationships are also my fault.
In the months since the second break up, the thought keeps running through my head that you get back what you "put out there". So, I've been thinking a lot about that. It actually bothered me a lot because I'm a very honest person; what you see is pretty much what you get. I'm not a good liar and I try not to associate with liars. It just complicates things so much. Like I tell my daughters all the time, it's much easier to just tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what story you've told people; you've simply told them the truth.
So, I kept asking myself, "Why do I keep entering into relationships with liars?" If it's true that you get back what you put out there, I should be able to find a guy like me. Honest.
Suddenly, the other day it came to me. It's not that I'm putting out there that I'm a liar and so I should attact liars, it's that I'm putting out there that good things don't happen to me and therefore, the guys I attract are going to hurt me. Simply, it's what I expect to happen and so it does.
I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop; always waiting for the bad to happen cause my thinking is that I don't deserve good things in my life. And, suddenly, it occurred to me that there's no reason why I don't deserve good. I'm a good person, I deserve to be happy.
I'm not looking for a new relationship. Fact is, I think I might be quite happy by myself. I'm too weary to start over again. However, one never knows what's around the next corner and so, should a relationship begin, I'm promising myself that I won't be looking for the other shoe to drop. I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride knowing that I deserve someone like myself. I try really hard not to hurt people and so I deserve to not be hurt. I sabotaged my past relationships and I'm determined not to do it again.
Took me 50 years to realize that, as the women in the L'Oreal commercials used to say, "I'm worth it." Feels kinda good...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Life Goes On....
Well, it's been 6 weeks since my last entry when we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of the 4th member of our family to celebrate Christmas. Sadly, later the very same day of that last entry, I received an email...yes, an email...ending my relationship of 9-1/2 years with the guy with whom I fully expected to be spending the rest of my life. I guess in our technological world, I shouldn't expect anything but an electronic break up but somehow, I would have thought that I would deserve more than that.
Life had been going on in the last 6 weeks but I've been in a daze and blur mostly trying to make sense of a relationship that's just over with one little cowardly email. I just can't seem to wrap around treating someone you at least professed to love that way. I wouldn't do it and I'm still, quite frankly, in shock that it was done to me by a person who I truly believed to have a lot of integrity.
It's hard to undo almost a decade of togetherness. At least it is for me. And, on top of trying to make sense of it myself, Megan is struggling so hard trying to figure out what happened to her buddy. She still loves him so much and can't quite wrap around that he's no longer part of our lives. Heck, truth be known, I still love him. How does that just turn off?
Even with the anger I feel over the way the whole thing was handled, I still can't get past the love I feel for the guy. Time will change that, I'm sure, but for right now, I feel so sad. I lost my friend. I lost my companion. I lost my love. I miss having someone in my life who knows me as well as he knew me and with whom I could talk about anything. Discussing life's little happenings and getting his perspective on them was always a great part of my day.
Now I have to start over again. And, honestly, I don't have the energy. My friends tell me it's for the best and I deserve better but I don't want better. Not yet anyway. I suppose I'll get to point, sometime, when it won't feel so very overwhelming to start anew learning to know someone inside and out and allowing him to know me the same way. Right now, I'm just gonna be me and try to be the mom my girls need in the wake of yet another rejection.
We'll make it. We're strong. And, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right? So, the stress in my life now is just making me stronger for tomorrow. I hope.
Here's hoping the rest of you are enjoying a truly stress-free day.
Life had been going on in the last 6 weeks but I've been in a daze and blur mostly trying to make sense of a relationship that's just over with one little cowardly email. I just can't seem to wrap around treating someone you at least professed to love that way. I wouldn't do it and I'm still, quite frankly, in shock that it was done to me by a person who I truly believed to have a lot of integrity.
It's hard to undo almost a decade of togetherness. At least it is for me. And, on top of trying to make sense of it myself, Megan is struggling so hard trying to figure out what happened to her buddy. She still loves him so much and can't quite wrap around that he's no longer part of our lives. Heck, truth be known, I still love him. How does that just turn off?
Even with the anger I feel over the way the whole thing was handled, I still can't get past the love I feel for the guy. Time will change that, I'm sure, but for right now, I feel so sad. I lost my friend. I lost my companion. I lost my love. I miss having someone in my life who knows me as well as he knew me and with whom I could talk about anything. Discussing life's little happenings and getting his perspective on them was always a great part of my day.
Now I have to start over again. And, honestly, I don't have the energy. My friends tell me it's for the best and I deserve better but I don't want better. Not yet anyway. I suppose I'll get to point, sometime, when it won't feel so very overwhelming to start anew learning to know someone inside and out and allowing him to know me the same way. Right now, I'm just gonna be me and try to be the mom my girls need in the wake of yet another rejection.
We'll make it. We're strong. And, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right? So, the stress in my life now is just making me stronger for tomorrow. I hope.
Here's hoping the rest of you are enjoying a truly stress-free day.
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