A Year of Loss

I cannot believe it's been over a decade since I last blogged! Time to dust it off and try for more frequent posts. 2024 has been a year of loss; a pup, a best friend, a mom and a job. It's been a year of reflection and figuring out "where to go from here". First, I made the extraordinarily hard decision to re-home our precious Penny. It was the single hardest decision of my life. Yes, other events in my life have been painful but those times decisions were made "for" me and i just had to carry on. This time, the decision was all mine and it was excruiciatingly painful. I knew, for various reasons, it had to be done but then I'd look at her innocent, trusting face and feel terrible. After all, she had done nothing wrong. Thanksfully, with the help of good friends, I was able to find a perfect new home for Penny. Dropping her off was no picnic. She cried and cried and tried so hard to come with us. It was absolutely heartbreaking for both Megan and me. But, in a very short time, she adjusted to her new home and new "mama". If you know me, you know I'm always looking for the silver lining in a less-than-good situation. The silver lining is we still get to see her often and even get to "Penny-sit" from time to time. As my neighbor told me the night before Penny left us "Penny has just expanded her family and those who love her". How comforting those words were and how true they turned out to be. My mom passed away this year after wishing for it to happen for no less than a decade. So, at the time of her passing, I was comforted to know she had finally gotten her wish. Mom and I never had a close, easy relationship so I've been surprised by my emotions since she's gone. Friends who had lost their mothers would tell me I'll miss mom's calls and texts and time spent together. Knowing our relationship, I wondered if I would feel those feelings. I've found that in the day-to-day, I haven't missed the calls, texts or her presence which was "Debbie Downer" at best. But what has surprised me is the "hole" I feel knowing the one person who was there my whole life is no longer there. It just washes over me sometimes and makes me melancholy. The silver lining to her passing is I don't have regrets about our relationship. I know I did my best and so did she. If we didn't always agree or get along, it didn't make us bad people; just very different people. I lost my job. It had never happened to me before and it was shocking and scary. What will I do now? Who will hire an older candidate? How will I provide? All these things were running through my mind as HR gave me my "walking papers". I'm still unemployed and trying to figure out what I want to be "when I grow up". HA! But, aside from missing my co-workers, the silver lining is my company forced my hand and now I no longer work for a company whose values don't align with my own. I'm praying 2025 brings the perfect job opportunity. What does one say or do when one loses a friend? It hurts. Her advice and perspective would have been very welcome during this year's losses. It's caused me to reflect on me and, hopefully, has made me a better, strong person for that reflection. It is hard for me to find the silver lining in this one but I suppose that if I am a better, stronger person, that is the silver lining. Looking toward 2025 feeling very reflective and with the hope that the year will be much more stress-free. I wish the same for all of you.